Now, nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden.
But it's been a good home to us, to me, Frank Gallagher,
and me kids, who I'm proud of.
Cos every single one of them reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which they've got me to thank for.
Quick, leg it!
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why
nobody calls him Philip anymore.
Ian, a lot like his mam, which is handy,
cos she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons.
One, it stands on end and makes him look like Toyah. Two, nits love it.
Debbie, sent by God, total angel. You have to check your change
but she'll go miles out of her way to do you a favour.
Plus lickle Liam. He's going to be a star some day.
Wicked!
Sheila, me bird. Couldn't be happier.
One plate short of a full set, like.
Carol and Marty, the lodgers from hell.
Last of the lonely hearts and a psychologist's wet dream.
Still, nobody's perfect.
But all of them to a man know first and foremost
one of the most vital necessities in life.
They know how to throw a party! Scatter!
www.addic7ed.com
'Some days, you're on to a loser before you've had your first fart.
'Others, the gods are smiling and there's nothing you can't sort out.
'I mean, yeah, there's the Es in the cornflakes might help a bit
'but why shouldn't people rub along together?
'Doesn't have to be a drama, does it?'
Sorry, just finishing off.
'I mean, look at Diana, Charles and Camilla.
'It worked out OK for them, didn't it?'
Come here, you.
Come here. Give us a kiss.
All right, Frank? You miss me?
Couldn't find the child benefit book.
Shall we go to the pub?
Yeah? All right.
Come on, come on.
They're all so grown up now.
Hardly recognised 'em.
Yeah, well, it's been hard for me.
Responsibility for all of them on my own.
It's kind of weighed heavily.
Yeah, but I'm back now, Frank.
To lighten your load.
Monica!
Sheila.
(SCREAMS)
You all right, Sheila? You remember Monica, don't you?
She's come...you know, she's come to see the kids.
Yes. You told me, Frank.
Brought your cigarettes. Would you like a drink?
Yeah, another vodka tonic, thanks.
Oh, yeah, right, course I did.
Cos you asked me that about when she...and I said...
Yeah, of course, yeah.
That'll be two vodka tonics, please.
Fancy that. Same poison.
And I'll just have a couple of Es, Jess.
Do any of yous lot know how this works?
That's disgusting.
What is it?
It's a balloon pump.
Sorry, have we not met? I'm your neighbour.
I want some help blowing these up. It isn't a fucking request.
You wouldn't be our neighbour,
if you hadn't stolen my daughter's house.
Like you give a shit. Nearly pulled a muscle
scavenging gear for your own back.
I'm keeping it for her.
Oh, yeah, and I'm the Queen of Sheba.
You two better get a rocket up your arse. Got to be there for one.
I didn't know I was coming.
You're family, aren't you? >
Even if you do think you're better than us. >
Our Jamie'll soon sort you out.
(MOUTHS)
Spliff.
Oi, fuck off, you little wankers!
What are you looking at, you perv?
Sign there, love.
Ta. See you in a couple of days.
Yeah.
I need to go!
It's not my problem, Norma.
You can't do this! There's such a thing as human rights.
I'm entitled to a toilet. Where's Mon? She'll let us.
Gone out.
Which is exactly what you should be doing, Norma. Going home.
Unless you want to pay rent for sleeping in the Dormobile.
Where's she gone? She's never up before 11.
Look, Debbie, I'm gonna piss myself.
Look at you.
Makes a mother so proud.
You look like a stiff in a body bag.
Straighten your face or our Jamie will put you in a fucking body bag!
Pack it in, you two. Micky, reminds me of your first communion.
Right, when he comes out, don't overcrowd him, OK?
What did you make us all fucking come for, then?!
Oi, watch your mouth, fucking gobshite!
So he knows we appreciate him. And what he's done for us.
And how much we love him.
Where is he, then? I haven't fed my snake yet.
Jesus!
Can't we just ask somebody?
So, you just left her, then.
Look, I won't say I was wrong to leave my kids but I had my reasons.
But I'm back now and Norma isn't part of that, end of story.
How's she taking it?
You have to learn to accept change, don't you, whenever it comes.
Right.
It's your round, Monica, isn't it?
What am I like? Same again?
It's bound to happen, innit?
Norma's not exactly...is she?
Can't...say I blame her.
It's good,
you know, for the kids though.
Got their mother back.
So when...did I tell you?
You tell me, Frank.
What?
You must have told me some time,
mustn't you, cos why would you have not?
Yeah, right.
Well, yeah.
I was just saying to Frank, it'll be so lovely to have you back.
Another pair of hands around.
Oh, that's a lovely ring, Sheila. Is it QVC?
Yeah, well, should probably go, Sheila.
Got stuff to do, food shopping.
No thanks. I'd rather stay here for another drink. Wouldn't you, Monica?
Oh, yes, I'm very happy.
Right.
Must say, you have cleaned up his act
if he's willing to leave the pub before closing time.
Different man, aren't you, Frank?
Mm.
Mmm.
Oh, another one down.
I do admire your restraint, Sheila.
Right.
You let him out, you bastards!
You tell 'em, Ma.
You let my Jamie out or I'll have the lot of yous!
They let him out two hours ago.
For fuck's sake!
This is your fault, Shane.
You fucking wanker.
(TEARFULLY) All I'm saying is,
a home-made mayonnaise can make up egg or prawn.
All it takes is
eight minutes' patience
but no-one tries any more.
They just don't.
GLASS SMASHES
Mum, maybe we should...
Good timing. Another round ready.
4.80.
Knocking 'em back, aren't you?
Just getting to know Sheila.
Keep the change.
It's wrong,
it's so wrong!
(SOBBING OBSCURES SPEECH)
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Right. Erm, just...slash...
Pastries...
..Try getting a job, yeah? Oh, look who it isn't.
Get a good look, did you, earlier? Pervert.
I know who he is, Karen. He's...
He's who?
Jamie, I told you it was him!
We came to get you, why didn't you phone?
You've come back, my angel, you've come back to us!
It's Jamie Maguire.
He did ten for murder.
So? He's still a perv. He is!
Come on, let's get you home. Party, party, party, eh. >
You come too. Come on.
I remember him.
Monica!
Don't be daft, Frank. I've seen it all before.
Yeah, but that was...
Come on, it's just a bit of fun.
She's nice, your wife,
but I bet you're not as good together as you and me were.
Don't start, don't start.
Do you still want me? Oh, yes, you do.
Come on, come with Monica. Just for a minute. Just in here.
Yeah, come on, you dirty bastard.
You know you want to.
What's the matter? Getting something at home that I can't give you?
Whoah! Sorry.
It's the gents, this, love.
You know, that's why it says it on the door. All right, Billy.
It's what little man's all about.
Gents pee standing up, don't they?
Fucking women, hey, Billy, can't fucking shoot them!
Oh, dear, what's happened here?
Come on. Come on, Sheila, let's get...
Get you home. I've got you. It's all right. Don't fetch up here.
All right, got you.
Yeah. See you later.
See you later.
What won the three o'clock at Haydock? You know?
Ambleton, mate, you've lost your money.
LAUGHTER
Welcome home, son. Cheers!
It's grand to have you back.
Soon clean up this place, show them who's boss.
Jamie Maguire back on the manor!
BANG
Shane, stop that, you little shite! Your mother went to a lot of trouble.
So, are you gonna tell him then or what?
Tell me what?
We've got you a little job, help you get back on your feet.
Set you up, like.
But I'm in it as well, aren't I?
All right, Shane.
It's a kidnapping. Total no-brainer.
Look, if it's Shane's job, let him do it. I'm not interested.
Frank?
I want to go on top.
Oh, Monica, no.
Oh! Hello, Norma.
All right?
This has got Vitamin C in it.
It's very good for you.
Bitch.
You don't need to do it for him.
Come on. Be quiet. She might hear.
Cat litter! As in, litter for cats.
Is everyone around here retarded?
I need the fucking toilet!
Norma, hello.
You could use ours.
Thank fuck. Somebody normal.
You'll have to take your shoes off.
Please don't touch the walls, because I've cleaned.
OK. Let's go.
Ah, see - I didn't need you.
What the fuck is that?!
A Royal Heffernan.
9/4 favourite, Saturday.
Dead fucking cert.
Owner's got a mint riding on it.
They'll soon cough up theransom to get him back.
And because you didn't pitch in, now you don't see any of the winnings.
I've got my own plans.
Course you have. Chip off the old block, eh?
I'm gonna run him in someother races while I've got him.
Make even more cash.
No-one will even recognise him.
Really?!
Yep.
Kidnapped the jockey as well have you?
Ah!
It's like she's some fucking changeling or something.
One minute it's all, "I'll have yourstir-fry on the table when you get back from Stuttgart,"
and the next - dust.
She wouldn't even talk to us, the mad bitch. Oh, but I love her.
So... What do you think happened, then?
Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
Richard and bastard Judy.
I told her not to watch that crap!
Some Christian wanker banging on about family.
We're the victims.Me and her.
Fucking patriarchal, hegemony pissing all over us.
So you don't think she's back for them, then?
Shelia, she had somepast life regression last solstice.
Came back saying thekids weren't even hers.
Belong to somefucking witch in the 14th century.
But she stood on a lay line and
sent the kids to the wrong womb. Course she's not back for them.
But she's still a lesbian though?
Yeah, course she is, you daft bitch.
(FARTS) We may not have had sex in the past eight months
but youdon't go back and forward, do ya?
No sex?
Hang on a minute. Ican't do two things at once in here.
SQUELCHING
Hey, Sheila? You got any more bog roll?
Sheila?!
Aargh!Pervert!
Who is it, then? Peters and Lee?
It is Kevin and Veronica.
I was going to say, I didn't know they put Peters and Lee in prison.
Mind you... Welcome Home weren't much of a song, was it?
Rainy days and Mondays was better.
That weren't Peters and Lee.
Do you mind? My daughter has been incarcerated.
She's not exactly Nelson fucking Mandela, Carol. Thank you.
She was trying to steal a baby.
She was paying for it.
What, with the money she'd stolen from everyone around here?
I can't see you getting many fucking takers.
I'm only doing what any mother would do.
I've got to do something.
Even if it's just widow's mites.
I'll have a T-shirt, Carol.
Out of my pension.
I just thought, now that we're friends
we could go shopping together.
Sorry, Sheil. I'm too busy here.
I could babysit the twins for you at yours if you like.
No, I need to get some new stuff.
I thought...
Since we like the same drink,
maybe we have the same taste in clothes.
I mean,
you could give me a second opinion.
We could have a nice girly day out.
I could do the washing up, Mum.
See this? Ned Kelly, proper Irish hero.
Morning, can I help youse officers?
We were just...
A racehorse has been stolen.
We want to know ifyou've seen anything.
No. Haven't seen anything.
Jamie... Have you met Jamie, my eldest?
Have you seen anything?
Not so as I recall.
Shane, have you seen a racehorse around these parts?
I ain't seen shit.
Sorry, can't help you.
If we do, we'll let you know.
Right. Obliged. Nice to meet you.
What are you doing?
Different horse. Hasn't got white socks.
Yeah, I just need to know...
There's a queuing system.
So get yourself a ticket, take a seat, yeah?
You're Jamie Maguire, aren't you?
Who did you kill?
Fuck off, will you?
I've killed a man.
No, you haven't.
I have. I shot him. And his head fell off.
Good for you.
Come to have a pop at me, have you?
Come to proveyourself to the hard man.
Come on then, if you want some.
Do you want some?
You all right?
Yes, what can I get you?
Pint of lager and any chance of a job going?
Er...Job?
Job?That's right.
Here?
This is your pub, isn't it?
Right and how much will you want paying for that?
Whatever the going rate is.
I dunno.
Make me an offer, then.
What do you pay for a protection racket?
How the fuck should I know?
How about 80?
A week?
A day.
80 a day? All right.
Is there a room with the job?
Room?! Yeah.
What you doing? That's my room.
Yeah, but you're fired.
What?
All right, I shagged the delivery guy.
It's not that - it's him.
Next!
BEEPING
Oh, Christ.
Right, so...
All I need, see, is a divorce.
I was hoping you could
tell me which way you do it, ifyou don't want her to know.
"Her" being?
The wife.
My ex-wife.
Soon to be.
Next!
BEEPING
It's difficult, isn't it, as you get older?
You don't know what to wear. You want to look sexy,
but not looking like you charge a fiver for a hand job.
Or is it the same for, you know, lesbians?
I mean, what age do you stop wearing cargo pants, or don't you?
I don't know. I never have. I prefer something more feminine.
Oh, like these.
Look. You can never have enough lingerie, can you?
It's like what they say - you can never be too rich or too thin.
Except for that Posh Spice, she is, isn't she?
And she's dipped in wood stain.
Looks lovely on you.
Let's try some on!
So, Monica, what kind of women do you like?
Oh, no.
Let's sit out here, shall we?
The small ones are a bit claustrophobic.
I thought you were agoraphobic.
Agoraphobic/claustrophobic.
Anything you like, really.
Illness poker, me. Raise me one, if you like.
What are you doing, Sheila?
Do you want me to help you, Monica? I know you want me to help you.
I've got very big breasts.
It's every woman's fantasy.
Lesbianism. I know it's mine. We're all bisexual, aren't we?
Are you bisexual, Monica?
Or are you just gay? Aargh!
It'snotmysexuality that's in question.
Did Frank put you up to this?
I just want to know if you want to - if that's why you've come back?
Get off!
Monica! Aargh!
Good God! They're on drugs.
Get off!
That's enough!
If you want the horse back alive get 20,000 ready in used notes.
'Who is this?'
Fuckin' knifeman, that's who!
Can you hear that?!
'OK, OK, calm down.'
And if you call the pigs again you'll have his head on your pillow first thing in the fuckin'...
For fuck's sake, Jamie!
'Jamie who?'
You stupid fuckin' prick, Shane!
What did you say his name for?
Don't upset your brother, Shane - you know how gets when he's angry.
Why not fucking make him do summat instead of hanging around pub?
Don't bother. I'm moving out!
So that's what you were after all along, was it?
When you asked me out?
Make a pass at me.
I just...
I just wanted to know if you were still a lesbian.
I'm sorry.
It's just I know what a hold you used have over Frank
and I got scared.
I can see why he's with you.
Lovely figure.
Good cook. >
City and Guilds.
Grade 1.
Don't think I'd even know how to be with a man any more,
wouldn't know what to do.
It's like riding a bike. You never forget.
I don't think I was very good in the first place. Frank and me, well,...
It's easy, just give 'em a blow-job. They do anything for one of those.
Really?
The trick is to hum while you're doing it.
Makes it vibrate more.
Tell you the truth, I found that out by accident when I was humming the theme tune to Ready Steady Cook.
Frank went off like a rocket.
1812 Overture's the best though, Tchaikovsky. It's all those cannons.
Frank'd do anything for those cannons.
So, you never said, are you...
Are you still a lesbian then?
I've only ever wanted one woman.
That's Norma.
Oh.
What's the point of you crackpot fuckin' Mormon God-freaks then?
Polygamy was the one fucking good idea you had.
Bunch of Ken dolls. >
Hey, and I'm gonna burn me Donny Osmond albums an' all!
Right, so... huh?
What the hell are they doing in here?
Oh, me feet!
I've been around the estate twice for old coppers.
And me.
You think you've got problems.
Do us a favour, Lil, and get me a drink in.
Oh, what's she like?
I don't understand. What the fuck's he playing at?
He's got his reasons.
He'll tell us when he's ready.
All right, you lot, that's your time, please!
What's going on here now?
You're jokin', aren't you?
Where the fuck you been? Not till 12.
I mean it's just that we can open later now than before.
It's all right, everybody. It's just a mistake.
We're open till 12!
Oi, sit back down!
So have you got everything you need, have you?
Yeah. Good night.
Good night.
Why don't you get him dancing girls an' all?
Karen, he's mutilated people. What do you want me to do?
Grow a spine?
Hey, I'm not having that. All right, it's your choice -
you can share with me, or you can share with him.
LATCH TURNS
Jamie?
What... what d'you want?
(MOANS)
Oh, where the fuck?
She actually said she wanted to get back with Norma?
She might as well have done.
It's, it's just gone stale. You can tell.
Norma not making an effort,
Monica frustrated,
taking out her anger.
You know what it's like -
been together for a while, first casualty's cunnilingus.
Well, you will. (MOANS)
She wants to go home with Norma, I know she does.
Bring the Fuzz-away. We might need it. (MOANS)
'Ere, horsey, horsey!
Have you seen an 'orse?
An 'orse?
Yes, a fucking horse.
About that big. You can't miss it.
Forget it.
Royal Heffernan!
Roy-ie!
Jim-bo!
Fuck off!
Leg it!
I'm not conforming to this shite, Sheila.
It's just society scared of real women and our hairy bits.
Wanting us to look like kids.
But sometimes, Norma, it's just making the gesture, that's all it takes.
It's like chilli con carne -
if you lose the garnish, all of civilisation crumbles.
She has to remember you're attractive to other women, that's all.
I mean, look.It says here, "Lack creates desire and..."
Hey, if that's that Freud pillock, I'm not havin' it.
Fuckin' going on about chicks wanting dicks. 'Fuck's he on?
It's Jade Goody in Hello.
We all need a boost now and again. Freshen ourselves up.
Are you saying I smell?
No. No, of course not, Norma.
Well, you do a bit.
Anyway. You just have a soak in there for a minute,
I'll get you a glass of dry Italian. There you go.
Cheers.
Come on.
(HUMS TO HERSELF)
Bloody Nora.
Don't look at me. I didn't put owt in it.
How the fuck do you lose a bleedin' horse?
I don't know. I think someone's nicked it. It weren't my fault.
Jesus Christ alive!
There you go.
What the fuck do you want?
A round on the house can't hurt, can it?
Cut the fucking shite. What do you want?
Well, look, the thing is, Mimi,
Your Jamie and this job he's doing. I don't know what it is,
but if the brewery get wind of it, I'm sunk.
I'll give you free drinks for life, just, please, speak to him.
My Jamie does what he likes, where he likes.
Hey, Jamie, you just carry on, lad,
with whatever job it is you're doing from here.
We're right behind ya.
I'm not running a job. Not from here, not from anywhere.
I'm going straight.
That's why I took the 'orse back to its owner.
You fucking what?
Now has anybody else got a problem with that?
Cock.
You see, Black Forest gateau's got a terrible reputation,
but it's actually a very sensual cake, rustic, invented in the 1930s.
Sounds lovely, Sheila.
Monica loves chocolate. She told me.
It's one of the things Norma won't let her have.
Which is very short-sighted of her cos it's actually aphrodisiac.
You wait - there'll be no holding her back, the dirty bitch.
Oh and it's a very evocative name for lesbians.
Unless she waxes.
Come on. Let's get this over there. (MOANS)
Oh.
Norma?
You all right, Bird?
Dinner is served.
Come on.
You look nice, Norma.
You've even got lipstick on.
It's...
It's fanny pink.
Debbie gave it me.
It's fancy pink. I told you you need glasses.
You told me you loved me.
So...
what happened, bird?
Can't we sort this out?
Keep the change.
Cheers, mate.
So he's really going straight then?
Apparently.
Great. Then I can have me job back. Oi!
You only got me job because people are too scared of you.
Karen!
So this was...
My job and now I want it back!
Hang on a minute! I have some say in this, it is my pub
and there's been no trouble in here since he started!
Jez!
So why don't you share it? Half the week each. That's me final offer.
You're still a fucking perv!
You what?
You came into Jez's room last night and you started getting off with me dress.
Was I sleep walking?
Look, I sleep walk.
Dunno what you were doing, but you were bollock naked and you were groping my dress.
So you saw me?
Course I did.
Well, how much did you see?
Everything.
In detail, close up.
Who's pervin' now, eh?
Oh, there's no community spirit any more.
It's every man for himself, isn't it?
I should have known nobody would give anything.
Can I have my pension back then?
I've given it to a kiddies charity!
Oh! What are you like?
What's happening?
They're holding hands.
Are you sure?
Yeah.
There's a cherry on the top.
Norm, the one thing that you can't give me is what I need.
Me babies.
So, it's really them then?
I've told ya!
Well, all right.
If that's what it's about, I'll have a baby for you!
I mean, I'm not fucking any bloke, mind.
We'll have to, er, get a donation, but if that's what it takes,
I'm there.
You'd do that for me?
I'd do anything for you.
Please, please, please come back to me.
Oh, Norm.
D'you really love me that much?
Well?
I need the loo.
So, what's she said?
She's thinking about it. >
I've offered her a baby.
A baby?
That's what I've promised... if she'll come back.
Might have to get someone else to do it, though.
How do two women...?
Turkey baster!
TV PLAYS
Oh, Frank.
I'm so confused.
Norma's offered me a baby.
Well...
I mean, supposing it's all just words
and it all just gets tired again and...
I end up feeling trapped.
Oh, Frank.
I need a hug.
Oh.
♪ Do-do-do-do do-do-do
♪ Do-do-do-do-do
♪ Do-do... ♪
So, you get a turkey baster and you...
Is that singing?
I can't hear anything.
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
HE GROANS
Where's the fucking remote?
Oh, no. It's all right, you don't have to go.
I'm sorry, Norma. I can't do it.
It's my babies here I need.
What are you talking about?
I'm not coming back, Norm.
And I am sorry to you three an' all, you went to so much trouble.
Food was lovely, though.
It's all right.
I understand.
Here.
Cheers.
So what are you going to do now? Are you gonna go home?
Nah. She'll come round.
She's just not thinking straight. >
She doesn't realise that she can have me as well as you lot,
but she will and when she does I'll be here, waiting.
You can use the inside toilets from now on if you want to.
Thanks.
Electricity, 40 a quarter, and I'll get you your rent book.
Hey?
We have to find a way of getting shot of her. We just have to...
Sheila, will you...
I'm not fighting her any more, Frank.
If she wants the babies she's entitled to that.
Yeah, but, Sheila...
It's too exhausting, hate.
Anyway, the best woman's won.
I'm married to you now, there's nothing she can do about that.
And if you love someone set them free. I'm sitting you free, Frank.
I'm trusting you.
Hey, hey.
Hey! What you doing?
There was too much sunlight yesterday.
I'm feeling a bit insidey outsidey.
Thought I'd make these for myself.
'Squidgy-gate. Camilla-gate.
'Watergate. Gareth Gates.
'I mean, what's it all about, eh? All these private secrets?
'What good does it do, eh, to let them out?
'All you get's a load of heartache and misery.
'And what you don't know can't hurt you, that's what I say.
'Ignorance is bliss.
'Plus, it must be true, I mean, look at George Bush.
'Thick as fucking shit, yet he smiles enough, doesn't he?'
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Yee-haa!